October 11, 2009
Late Night Ramblings. Live from my mobile.
do you ever get the feeling that youre getting left behind? that life is going too quickly and you just cant catch up? thats how i feel right now. its strange. all my friends are out there living; getting their licenses, having sex and getting into relationship that seem more really than i can physically comprehend. and me? im almost 16 and a half, have no license, my virginity and, as much as i hate to admitt it, so lonely i could die. where did i go wrong?! i keep trying to change things but i never have any energy! i want to be pretty and everyday i hate myself a little bit more; more than people understand; but everytime i try i run flat! no matter what! i want to get my licence but honestly im terrorfied ill fail and i keep trying to practise but when i do, i panic and fail. WHY CANT IT JUST BE SIMPLE!? As for sex and relationships, i am pathetic. the disasterous ending of the closest thing ive had to a relationship (ergo, like a boyfriend i didnt actually like) has only confirmed that i fail at humanity... this in hand with being minorly obsessed with an ex-foe is in short, shit. i dont see how i can have these feeling for someone and they not feel anything in return! some people have suggested he feels the same but i refuse to believe this. soley because it what i want more than anything and i know that there is no way on earth he would like me back! how could he!? i dont even like me! it hurts too much to hope. to add insult to injury, my voice is playing around and being verrrry unpredictible and not being able to sing make me feel worse than anything. WHY CANT IT JUST LET UP ON ME!? I JUST WANT MY LIFE TO BE RIGHT FOR ONCE! is it that much to ask? xoxo Aly
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oh hun.
ReplyDeleteYou DON'T have to feel like this, you don't. you don't HAVE to be lonely. just surround yourself with people that love you. trust me, i feel much the same way.
And don't forget, THERE ARE MANY, MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT LOVE YOU WHO YOU ARE, INCLUDING ME. I won't give up on you, so please, please don't give up on yourself.
I Love you soo much, and i'm here if you need to talk :) xx
You know... I actually wrote something similar to this a couple nights ago. I don't have the confidence to do A LOT of things that I wish I could do and I feel like I'm just stuck and I can't go any further in life.
ReplyDeleteI'm paranoid about almost everything that even small things like meeting new people, or just talking to teachers is a nightmare for me. I get so nervous that I just avoid social situations and I feel as if I'll NEVER make new friends or get into relationships.
I remember at the beginning of last year where I practically changed the way I acted/dressed just to please everyone. I've grown out of that now and in hindsight, I was stupid. I made so many friends though and I met so many people, but now that I've changed for the better and I'm comfortable being myself, I seem to be losing a lot of people I love. My family and relatives constantly telling me for the past four years that I have to change myself because I'm not as attractive/confident as my mum or my sister doesn't help with how I feel either. I just don't know who to be anymore because when I'm myself, people like my family who I love keep telling me that I'm not good enough.
I know that not many people are aware of how I feel about myself, but that's because I'm not exactly comfortable talking about it. I'm really tired of people just assuming that if someone doesn't talk about their problems, they don't have any.
"i want to be pretty"
Alex, you're honestly fine the way you are.
Oh my god that comment was bigger than I thought.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it talks one persons honesty to bring out the honesty in us all. Whether you belive it or not, you are an amzing person steffie. That is one of the very few thing im sure of.
ReplyDeleteAs to the "i want to be pretty"...I honestly can't explain how horrible I feel when I look in the mirror or at myself in photos. It seems no matter how hard I try, I cant change that... and seeing beautiful people get all the thing i want in life only makes it worse.
I think you're beautiful. :)
ReplyDeleteMy mum thinks so too!
Bridget and I were talking one day at the IGA and we both agree that you look fine the way you do and you really shouldn't worry so much.
Hey, I'm not sure how relevent this post will be know considering theres already been a whole conversation in comments but here goes:
ReplyDeleteTo everyone
You will always come across people in your lives who will want you to change who you are, and you will change, but if you never changed then how would you know what you wanted to end up as?
As a human you will always think that someone else is better, prettier, smarter, bitchier, more polite, more mature, more immature, a more horrible person with everything going for them. But its what you do with these thoughts that count. If you go your whole life thinking that "if only" "i wish" "why cant" (you fill in the blanks) then yes, you will feel as if life is passing you by. You will constantly be telling yourself that what you are, who you are is simply no good because someone else is different.
Also relationsips are nice when you have them, but when you arnt in one you should try and embrace what good times they are as well, instead of trying to have something that isnt there. This doesnt mean that you can not pursue one. If you like someone go for it (or not, whatever) but if you feel "misunderstood", "unworthy" or anything like that, just because you are not going out with someone, think back to when you were a kid. As long as you had family and friends you were fine. You dont need boyfriend/girlfriend relationships to feel good about yourself. If you do feel like this, by the time you are in a relationship you will only be more stressed out.
I'm not trying to change anyones views, because i know that a comment wouldnt change mine, but i thought i'd just put it out there.
Amy